Hang in there
@mtnrgr!!!! Sounds like you've had enough ruff stuff for a life time. I'm so sorry.
This thread brings to mind something that I thought of doing a general PSA.
If one finds himself facing mental health issues, sometimes the most basic things can be overlooked, even by professionals. The first thing to consider should be a general health checkup. There are many things that can effect the brain. Hormone levels for one (eg. thyroid, insulin, testosterone). A guy might think of low testosterone as just effecting libido (which can be depressing), but it does more than that. And a note: a GP might be a good place to start, but are often not really up to addressing the endocrine system.
I know a doctor that shrugged of a friend's depression and other mental issues, suggesting past traumas. A simple blood test, should he had ordered one, would have shown her blood glucose levels above 800. Surprised she survived! Addressed that issue and her mental issues left.
And the list goes on. Cardiac problems, a build up of toxins, bad gut flora, etc.
Just a thought of where one might begin if unfortunate to face such troubles. Would have saved me some bad experience if I had done so. And brain issues are so frustrating. You feel like you should be able to control what's going on up there all the while knowing you can't.