Well, Rock Auto sent the wrong unit. It was a "wholesaler closeout", which is why I got it for so cheap. I called them, and they are going to give me a FULL refund. They were very good about it.
So, I had the thing all torn apart and I figured I want to get fixed while it's all torn apart. So I decided that before I go pay Autozone 90 dollars for their unit, I'd try and fix mine. I took it apart, and what a mess! The PO had obviously spilled a coke in it from the brown syrupy gunk all over the contacts (this would also explain why my cruise control buttons stick all the time). I also found one wire that had come out of it's spade connector, which runs the wipers. I re-crimped that wire into it's spade. Then I slapped it all back together, did some Tebowing, and voila; it works as good as new.