Funny thread

[Tiollib]

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[wrecking-crew]

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[Iron Ranger]

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

That one's awesome!!

 

[Duggo]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

 

[country0001]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

 

[Toms01PSD]

Why don't witches have babies?

 

[kennykenny]

Why don't witches have babies?

Because their husbands have crystal balls.

 

[Toms01PSD]

Because their husbands have crystal balls.

I was actually going to say because their husbands have "halloweenies".

Thank works too though.

 

[Iron Ranger]

Some of you may have heard or seen this one before from me, but here goes;


A man walks into a ritzy steakhouse to treat himself to a big, steak dinner. The waiter seats him immediately and asks the man what he would like to start with. The man replies;

"Yes, I would love a pitcher of your finest beer to start, please."

"Certainly sir, that'll be 25 cents" responds the waiter.

The man asks the waiter again what it costs and again he replied "25 cents, sir"

Now at this point, the man thinks he either hit the 1 millionth customer number or the beer is 25 parts water to 1 part beer.

Soon after, the waiter returns with an ice cold, frothy pitcher of beer.

The man tasted it and it was the purest, finest beer he has ever had.

"Alright, that was legit" he said, "Now I'm ready to order. I want the 32oz porterhouse steak, medium rare with a side of shrimp and a plate of fries."

The waiter responds "Alright, that'll be 30 cents please"

Now the man is convinced that either the steak is rotton or the shrimp is whatever was swept up off the floor at Walmart.

30 minutes later, the waiter comes out with a full plate with a huge juicy steak, fresh fried shrimp, and hand cut fries.

"Holy moley, what a deal!" He thought to himself.

After he finished his dinner and was relaxing while picking his teeth with a tooth pick, the waiter asks "Can I get you anything else?"

The man replies " Yes, I would like to talk to the owner of the restaurant and thank him personally for such great food and service at a rediculous low price!!"

Waiter says " Oh, sorry. He's not here at the moment, He's with my wife at home."

That man asks out of confusion "Um............what is he doing with your wife at home?"

The waiter smirks "The same thing I'm doing to his restaurant!"

 

[97RangerXLT]

Why I fired my Secretary


Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office ,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office ,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office ,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office , Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked..

 

[88_Eddie]

So this girl notices that she has 2 greenish marks on the inside of her thighs.

She keeps an eye on them, but after a few weeks they're still there.

so she makes an appointment to go see a doctor the next week.

she's worried now cause she thinks it might be something serious, so she demands that her boyfriend go with her.

they get to the doctors office, check-in and sit down. not 5 mintues later the doctor calls her in to the examination room.

the doctor examines her for just a minute and asks some questions and then stands up and says "i'll be right back"

he comes back and says, "mam, is that your boyfriend out in the waiting room?"

she says, "yes, how did you know?

the doctor says,"well, you may wanna tell him his earrings ain't real gold"

 

[97RangerXLT]

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before
the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children,
this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi
rose from his chair and spoke,

'Children are a gift from God and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'

 

[97RangerXLT]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.


She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me"

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, You have to be single and #2,
you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[kennykenny]

Oh man that hurts lol

 

[97RangerXLT]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know." "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.." "We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door.."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight .......but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.