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Some jokes
- Thread starter doncorleone219
- Start date
a couple was eating a diner one night. the husband happens to look over at one point and see the cook preparing some hamburger meat. to the husbands disgust, he sees the cook put a ball of meat under his arm to flatten them into patties. the husband gets up and asks to speak to the manager of the diner. the man says, "do you see what that guy is doing? that cant be healthy!" the manager says, "that's nothing, you should see how he makes the doughnuts"
Mark_88
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- Messages
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- My credo
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I was driving one day when a man walking starts screaming and swearing at me and waving his arms. I stopped, rolled down the window and calmly said "Sir, if you don't like the way I drive, please stay off the sidewalks"...
sorry, that was an old bumper sticker...that not too many pedestrians actually got to read...
sorry, that was an old bumper sticker...that not too many pedestrians actually got to read...
RatDog8o8
Well-Known Member
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.
The drunk guy just ignores him.
After a while the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.
He notices that the alien has no genitalia.
He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guys have sex?"
The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
*********
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replys "Sorry, we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replys "Sorry.....we do not serve strings. Please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replies "Hey! Aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time?"
They string replies "No I'm a frayed knot".
The drunk guy just ignores him.
After a while the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.
He notices that the alien has no genitalia.
He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guys have sex?"
The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
*********
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replys "Sorry, we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replys "Sorry.....we do not serve strings. Please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender replies "Hey! Aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time?"
They string replies "No I'm a frayed knot".
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I still think the OP is a spamming cunt, but seeing as this thread ain't goin anywhere I may as well contribute.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
Mark_88
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2007
- Messages
- 18,554
- Age
- 69
- City
- Ontario, Canada
- Vehicle Year
- 2007
- Transmission
- Automatic
- My credo
- Love Thy Neighbor
RatDog8o8
Well-Known Member
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
RatDog8o8
Well-Known Member
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck!
*********
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
-------
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
-------
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
-------
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck!
*********
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
-------
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
-------
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
-------
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
I hope you all will enjoy this.
“Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
“Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
Mark_88
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2007
- Messages
- 18,554
- Age
- 69
- City
- Ontario, Canada
- Vehicle Year
- 2007
- Transmission
- Automatic
- My credo
- Love Thy Neighbor
Haha...dammit Janet...(Rocky Horror Picture Show)...never tried that one...but, then again, I'm a bit old for the costume stuff...even though some claim I'm scary without one...
RatDog8o8
Well-Known Member
And God created Texas ...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him....resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high-achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C. Wait until you see the idiots I put there."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him....resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high-achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C. Wait until you see the idiots I put there."
More Painful?
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them, than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby."
No matter how long after, you'll never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."
Wife left me:
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou,"
says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot
of whiskey in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them, than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby."
No matter how long after, you'll never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."
Wife left me:
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou,"
says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot
of whiskey in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
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- lisle ontario
- Vehicle Year
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- Automatic
the 1st one was awsome the 2nd i dont get...
70roadrunner
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2012
- Messages
- 288
- City
- sedro-woolley, Wa
- Vehicle Year
- 1984
1970
194
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- Manual
i wish i could remember the alzheimers joke i heard today...
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