Funny thread

[97RangerXLT]

This is a thread to post all of your jokes in so that we don't litter up the rest of the forum with tons of individual posts.

Since this is the Entertainment section, keep it clean

AJ

 

[97RangerXLT]

A Louisiana Sheriff stops at a farm in rural Louisiana and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The old farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me." Reaching
into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on anyone's land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge!
Show him your badge, Smartass!"

 

[97RangerXLT]

Amazing Home Remedies That Really Work



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.



2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE ANYWAY.



3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. EVEN GEORGE WASHINGTON DID THIS! REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.



4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.



5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.





6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.



7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.







DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS!

 

[ranger_mclaren]

 

[nitrofan1]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart.

I was about to check out when the lady behind me asked if I had any dogs.

What did she think? I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have any dogs, I was starting the Purina diet again although I probably shouldn't seeing last time I ended up in the hospital. On the bright side I told her how I had lost 50 pounds after waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole and IV's in both arms.

I told her it's the perfect diet in the way that it works is by filling your pockets with the Purina nuggets and eating a few every time you get hungry. Since they are nutritionally complete you will stay healthy and lose weight at the same time.

(By now everyone around us in line was listening to my story)

Horrified, she asked "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog chow poisoned you?"

I said "No, not at all. I stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me."

The guy in line behind her was laughing so hard I thought he would have a heart attack.

I can't shop at that Walmart anymore either......

 

[Frank The Tank]

That was awesome!!!!!!!

Frank

 

[iceracer60]

i just lmao, god i keep doin that i might choke on a cigarette

 

[97RangerXLT]

I hate my job.
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work. Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single ****ing day.

Anyway, I drive these f**ktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

 

[scott5640]

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Omgomgomg Keep Them Cominggggg

 

[crbnunit]

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center



It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance,


I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family


for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth whilequietly chanting,


'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center...

 

['95 ranger]

haha i've read that one before but its still one of my favorites

 

[Tiollib]

I LMAO'd at the last one

 

[97RangerXLT]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.





He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that gay crap in my garden,' she said.

 

[97RangerXLT]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.. It's after midnight.
While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100 , the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife
in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season
Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for
our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

[97RangerXLT]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.