Funny thread

[Tiollib]

 

[97RangerXLT]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket, if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[countryboy]

 

[97RangerXLT]

I just applied for planning permission for a new-build house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The council told me to f*** off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.





Building work starts on Monday.

 

[mini274]

 

[97RangerXLT]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all theirwork and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[97RangerXLT]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[country0001]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all theirwork and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Iheard this joke on the KATT in okc this morning on Rick and Brad theater. LMAO

 

[97RangerXLT]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had
a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall
and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

 

[Toms01PSD]

What do zookeepers use when elephants are in heat?

 

[detty_motorsports]

Chuck Norris

 

[Toms01PSD]

What do zookeepers use when elephants are in heat?

Sheep

 

[detty_motorsports]

 

[ASMODEAN]

I'm probably going to hell for this but here goes!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

















































NOTHIN' you've already told her twice!

 

[CJREX]

Little Billy came down to the dining room to have dinner with the family.

On the table, mom had already set out most of the meal. There was a plate of small steaks that looked slightly unusual though.

Billy says" What is that?"

His dad replies casually, "Oh that's venison"

Billy picks one up and says "Venison? What's venison?" and tries a little bite.

Dad, being clever, says "It's something your mother calls me all the time"

Billy's sister Susie jumps up and shouts "Spit it out Billy! It's an Asshole!"