Funny thread

[v-8power]

Looking for crisco

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named 'Crisco?'"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."

 

[Duggo]

Note to self for that new bicycle seat.

Black bicycle seat. Black, not tan. Black.

 

[robertc1024]

Dude - that's just nasty.

 

[parisot]

A semi driver sees a girl standing on the guard rail of a bridge and it looks like she is about to jump. He stops his rig next to her and asks her what she is doing. She says, "I am going to jump and kill myself." The truck driver replies, "Well if your going to kill yourself, would you give me a BJ first?"

The girl thinks for a second and says sure.

Much to the semi driver surprise, the girl gives him a BJ. Not just any BJ though, the best BJ he has ever had.

When all was said and done the semi driver ask the girl, "What an amazing talent, why in the world are you going to kill yourself?"




The girl replies, "My parents won’t accept me because I am a cross dresser"

 

[97RangerXLT]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman
with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for se#. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for se#?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

 

[chittybangbang]

A Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your a**hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

[Ranger Sport Honduras]

hahahahaa

 

[Ranger Sport Honduras]

 

[robertc1024]

So... the Alien comes up to the gas pump and says: "Take me to your leader" and gets no response. The Alien's buddy comes up and says: "Take me to your leader" and gets no response. At this point they're pissed, pull their ray-guns and blast the gas pump. Needless to say, the pump explodes, shoots fire everywhere and burns up their spaceship. Alien #1 says "Maybe we shouldn't have done that. I knew that was a bad mofo when he could wrap his dick around his legs and put it in his ear."

 

[v-8power]

Oldie

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."



Picking a Jury

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,"who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's manhood."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."

 

[mp3deviant721]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

As wrong as that is,





ROTFLOL.

 

[mp3deviant721]

A Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your a**hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

[hoosier1104]

Come on now you serious right now!?!

 

[Ranger Sport Honduras]

used condom lmao

 

[hoosier1104]

If Dr. Suess created a hooker. Yous doin' it right.