Funny thread

[dirttrackracer]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart.
I said "No, not at all. I stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me."

The guy in line behind her was laughing so hard I thought he would have a heart attack.

I can't shop at that Walmart anymore either......

im still laufin and i first read this a week ago. everyone i show it too laughs. this is the BEST version o it

 

[97RangerXLT]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

 

[hoosier1104]

 

[dp88]

oh god i started laughing at the one when she is having a baby. The guys face is priceless when the monkey opends the door.

 

[Iron Ranger]

From Family Guy

Quagmire: Let's play 'Drink the Beer'

Peter: What do I win?

Quagmire: Another beer!

Peter: Alright, I'm going for the high score!!!


Later on....

Peter: Fellas........... We're gonna drink till she's hot..........

 

[Mark_88]

She was so fat...she could only play "seek"

Has anyone ever seen a fat lady skinny dipping?

"Let's play Carnival...sit on my face and I will guess your weight"...

 

[hoosier1104]

She was so fat...she could only play "seek"

Has anyone ever seen a fat lady skinny dipping?

"Let's play Carnival...sit on my face and I will guess your weight"...

(Best Cleveland voice)I'm talking bout going balls deep!

 

[K.Strong]

I can't believe no one has posted these videos yet...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyeowWloLTk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pz3SBY8zj8w

 

[BigJohn76]

I can't believe no one has posted these videos yet...

i love that. im in the law enforcement program at MN West and we actually watched that in class. I hate Reno 911 but that is just classic.

heres another good police one.

 

[97RangerXLT]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I
retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along
with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour
or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's
Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when
I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get
them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points...

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a
break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me, too...

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying
that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will
find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found
with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his butt, with
barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not
Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on
his golf club.

 

[Ranger Kip]

Indian talking to his tribe about health:

"Virgity like balloon, one prick, all gone!"

------------------------------------------

At the same time down the field at the local Tribalman's Club:

"Virgity, two for one sale!"

 

[hoosier1104]

I have not posted anything in this thread for about a week so enjoy.

 

[v-8power]

I thought this was kinda funny.

IN THE CAN.

[URL=http://s90.photobucket.com/albums/k242/351power/?action=view&current=InTheCan.mp4][/URL]

 

[hoosier1104]

Original

 

[hoosier1104]

This is what I call going out with style.

Girl quits on white board