Advise on helping with alcoholism

[Chapap]

I have a family member whose spent years battling alcoholism. “Normal” treatments haven’t worked and he’s quit basically his whole life (understatement) and moved back in with his large family... I’d say family is the only thing separating him from rock bottom (multiple aa meetings a day). I live in the same town and could have minimal contact or allot of contact.

I want to support him, but I believe additional interactions is too much at the moment, if that makes sense. He hasn’t confided anything in me (I wouldn’t know anything if I wasn’t told) so when I see him I treat him like a normal family member. Eventually he’ll have to get back out in the world, and I’ll probably stay in the background till then. I could genuinely use his skills helping with a house I just bought, that may help him eventually. Any tips on what I or his caretakers should do?

 

[97RangerXLT]

Addiction is a owerful thing. For alcohol/ drugs, the first thing is the person has to admit they have a problem and that they want to fix it. They also need a good program, and will need to completely change their lifestyle when they get out. This often means ditching old friends AND family that are into drinking or bar scene. Any old habits or "Awe, come on, one drink won't hurt." Yes one drink is all it takes.

He will have to want to leave all of that behind. It's hard decision to make.

I wish him luck and will pray for him.

AJ

 

[2011Supercab]

I’d say family is the only thing separating him from rock bottom

In my opinion, that's the problem.

Why should he quit? He has food and a place to live.

It's going to be hard on the family and him, but sometimes "Tough Love" is the only hope.

 

[Chapap]

In my opinion, that's the problem.

Why should he quit? He has food and a place to live.

That’s not a problem. He’s already left his old life and moved a couple states to here. I’d think he’s well on track for recovery… whatever that looks like. I just want to hang out with him and all.. but don’t want to add stressors/ get him off track and such.

 

[2011Supercab]

I just want to hang out with him and all.. but don’t want to add stressors/ get him off track and such.

If he's currently clean and sober that's fine, hang out with him, have him help you on the house.

If he's still drinking, I'd avoid him.

 

[Chapap]

I suppose I'm just worried about adding undue stress to the situation. I can't imagine how this may feel. I'm a former pack-a-day smoker and made the switch to vape so I guess I understand how easy and stupid addiction is, but I think that's hardly a comparison. I don't want to introduce "holyer than thou" feelings, but I also don't want to miss the chance to show him that the world is still out there... This question is super hard to put into coherent words.

 

[Blmpkn]

Adding a certain type of stress to him might be what he needs to realize his errors.


That being said, an individual needs to want to help themselves if they're to have any hope of success in overcoming their issues. #1 thing. Its hopless without that.

Addiction is tough, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've been through it before with people, it's not a great feeling. Some of those people are doing well now, some of those people are still doing the same old stuff, some of them aren't here anymore.

One of my buddys who's doing alright now was a mega drunk. He'd get drunk enough to not recognize me, absolutely hammered. He ended up getting a shot that makes you allergic to alcohol for 6 months or so after the stickin' and that helped him alot.

 

[lil_Blue_Ford]

Man, addiction is a rough one. Some people handle it differently or don’t truly become addicted or something. I’m no expert. I have, however, been around it. One of my grandfathers literally drank himself to death. The other probably would have had he not died from an aneurysm. I didn’t get to know either because this all happened before I was more than a year old. But it bothers me anyway. My parents do drink, but between the two of them, a 30 pack can last over a year. They did their best to teach me and my brother responsibility. Both of us consume far more than our parents, but far less than our grandfathers. I never really got hangovers, but never really enjoyed being drunk because I quickly found that the more drunk you get, the more it tastes like carbonated water. I drink beer because I enjoy the flavor and I really like more craft type beer. You can’t enjoy the fine nuances if it tastes like water. Might as well drink Coors Lite or some cheap stuff at that point and I’m not about all of that. I drink enough water without paying extra for it (literally, I drink over a gallon of water a day, usually closer to two gallons). I’m a firm believer that even a beer or two a day doesn’t make you an alcoholic (studies actually seem to indicate that one or two a day can have many health benefits). It’s drinking regularly to get drunk that does.

That all said, a good family friend is an alcoholic. Drinks beer from the time he gets up to the time he goes to sleep. At one point, one of his sons was taking him to church and Bible study and getting on him about drinking and swearing and all and he was doing better. That son was the only one he would listen to, the rest of us have tried. Unfortunately that son died under suspicious circumstances, supposedly it was a suicide, but he supposedly shot himself in the head with his left hand with his wife’s .38 instead of his right hand with his .45 among other things. Put the dad right back to being an alcoholic.

I know two women who are alcoholics. They will literally drink anything with alcohol, doesn’t matter if they hate the taste, they’ll make faces and yell about how terrible it is, but they drink it anyway. None of us have been able to help them beyond it. The one was doing good for a bit, said she finally wanted to change, got the shot and two months after the shot was back to drinking even though anything alcohol tasted nasty and it made her instantly puke, but she wouldn’t stop. That’s a level of dedication that’s hard to argue with, unfortunately.

Probably the best thing I can suggest is spend time with him, by asking for help you’re giving him a purpose. Don’t talk about alcohol unless he brings it up. Don’t have it around him or any where he can see it. It’s a temptation to an addict and they need space until they can grow used to not craving it all the time.

 

[Uncle Gump]

My father drank himself to death. Didn't matter what I tried... he figured he didn't need help. I ended up going to several ALONON sessions on my own. It's a support group for friends and family members of people that have addictions. I learned I was an enabler. I had to cut ties and distance myself. Even then he couldn't change and drank himself to death. It weighed heavy on me for some time... but it wasn't my fault. He chose to make alcohol the most important thing in his life... and it ultimately killed him.

I would suggest finding out when and where he does his AA classes. Just show up... pull up a chair next to him... offer a heartfelt smile... and tell him you're there because you care. Even introduce yourself and tell them why you're there.

 

[Blmpkn]

Probably the best thing I can suggest is spend time with him, by asking for help you’re giving him a purpose. Don’t talk about alcohol unless he brings it up. Don’t have it around him or any where he can see it. It’s a temptation to an addict and they need space until they can grow used to not craving it all the time.

This x1000.

Mental health has a lot to do with how easily addiction can take hold of a person as well. While addiction therapy like AA is good.. I'm willing to bet a general psychiatrist would be beneficial too.

Research has found that the more 'bored' someone with an addiction is... the easier it is for them to want to indulge in their vice. I can say with certainty that this is true.. if I'm really 'in the zone' with whatever task is at hand I don't get cravings for cigarettes and could go all day without smoking a joint.. but.. If it's a slow day and I'm just standing around shooting the shit I'm gonna want to smoke a butt every 12 minutes and take a 'safety break' after every other cigarette lol.

 

[Eddo Rogue]

I am going through a time in which everyone wants to be there for me/ help etc....

As much as I appreciate the love and support, sometimes I just need to be alone.

Sometimes they do more harm than good, and not much beyond test my patience and boundaries.

The ones that do help aren't pushy about it. They are just there unconditionally, and not to linger/loiter.

Cutting the very toxic ones out of my life really helped with this and anxiety issues.

I think a house project would actually be very helpful, if it is not a high pressure situation. Small tasks can be fun too.

Besides work, My happy place is tinkering in the garage. Helping a few friends out with handyman/mechanical tasks is ok too, but only if I am not being taken advantage of (a past issue).

A mission or purpose keeps me out of trouble. My life is much more simple, healthy and happy when I am working. In between gigs, time off always goes from taking rest to taking on stress. Luckily by that time I usually book another gig and go back to work. Although not as bad as before, My home life is still a chit show.

Maybe a job he enjoys might help, even an apprenticeship. Never mind the pay rate, just get out there and do something fun and productive. Getting a paycheck for it feels nice too (even if not much).

One my AA sponsorers told me a story of this rich guy who kept relapsing, finally was advised to ditch his lavish life and work a physical job. He dowsized to bare necessities and got a job washing windows. It changed his life (in a good way). It made him not only sober, but more business savvy, he got happy.

Also no to get preachy, but the bible does help (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth). Perusing it leisurely may provide relief.

I recently helped a buddy get his new rig home. Had to fly out of state and drive it back. Spent 28 hours sober, alert, and with little food or sleep, and many logistical challenges. Is funny how this stressful situation actually improved life. Pulling it off left me with a satisfactory feeling of accomplishment mentally, and "healthy" tired physically, which is much better than "party" tired.

I think you are on the right track, and doing the right thing. Just mind his personality on times whether he needs tough love or hugs.

 

[Lefty]

Some counselors advocate a group confrontation where family and friends all get together and insist on getting proper help. Call a local hot line, Betty Ford, or maybe AA. A friend of mine is an AA group leader. He's been chemically dependent all of his life, booze and heroin too. There's reason for hope. Now, 7 years after quitting, he says he doesn't feel the pull anymore.

 

[Eddo Rogue]

Some counselors advocate a group confrontation where family and friends all get together and insist on getting proper help. Call a local hot line, Betty Ford, or maybe AA. A friend of mine is an AA group leader. He's been chemically dependent all of his life, booze and heroin too. There's reason for hope. Now, 7 years after quitting, he says he doesn't feel the pull anymore.

Aw yes, the old intervention. There's even a TV show about it of the same title.

Its a bold tactic, risky move, but very effective when it works, if done right

 

[Eddo Rogue]

They've come a long way when it comes to managing the physical chemical dependence. Cold Turkey can be deadly. Its good to get medical assistance with such transitions.

 

[Chapap]

I'm really not worried about helping him on a "front lines" kinda basis. His immediate family is quite qualified (officially and just personality type) to help him. He's in more of a "what have I done" kinda mindset. I'd say he feels like Jeckll and Hyde. He knows that Hyde will come out but he can't tell the difference. I'll just keep being around follow the lead of those around him.